ARE YOU TOO FRESHLY HEARTBROKEN?
I am one of those women who would rarely get flowers. Not because I am not pretty but definitely because the ecosystem, beliefs, and practices are designed to offer flowers to the most ideal body shape and type.
After being unsuccessful in love almost 1000 times, I gradually realized that it is important to address the root cause rather than blaming KARMAS, PAST, PRESENT, MEN, SITUATIONS, FAMILY, etc. Every time I was heartbroken, a spark inside me made me do something extraordinary, which I could not do before. However, there were days, nights, and months when I was glued to the headphones. From the mornings before leaving for college and later for work; or late evenings before pushing, myself to sleep songs were on repeat in my headphones at the highest volume just to avoid multiple scary thoughts about the future, being left alone rather abandoned. I Kept chanting to myself many things like
- Life always throws shit before revealing itself at its most brilliant,
- One day they’ll realize they lost a diamond while playing with worthless stones
- I will find someone soon, it is just a matter of time
- Men are useless they don’t deserve my kindness
But honestly, nothing was working in my favor, I started questioning my existence, confidence, and self-esteem were completely destroyed, ahhh… I avoided the mirror too. Men I have met wanted to take my other good-looking friends out on dates, which conveniently made them have a platonic relationship with me.
Not that I have never been on dates but surely I wasn’t the first preference for many!!!
The lack of attention and involvement with my friends followed me around like a ghost, even in my sleep their double standards, stigmas, and prejudices to date a short girl haunted me in nightmares. I used to hate that pain. I used to cry at the injustice of it all. I continue to worry about my happiness. Being a certified counselor myself I failed to help myself. Even during my journey of learning about grief, memories with people made every step of healing exhausting for me. It was challenging to find how and where I should begin because the pain seems like it has soaked every single cell of my body. Alternatively, how can I even begin to have hope that this ‘happened for a reason’ when I am not able to even see a reason to exist right now?
After several rejections one day after several failed attempts of committing suicide, I decided to search online I still remember with watery eyes and trembling fingers I type in Google‘ quick ways to end life in 5 seconds without pain’.
Instantly many tabs exploded, I still remember that summer afternoon. While reading an article or two I stumbled upon a love story that popped on my window. It just said- He just, he kissed me, once … one day when we were, it was … at night, and … we were sitting on the piano,” Ray said. “I literally saw fireworks when he kissed me. I always knew I deserve someone like him, I believed in myself added Chritianne.”
This is a true love story of 2 feet 9 inches Christianne Ray and 6 feet 4 inch Jeremy Bowden who are together for almost two decades now. They were schoolmates, while Christianne was always a fighter Jeremy became her pistol for life. Their love for each other has resulted in three beautiful children, Krysten being their first daughter is more Christianne while the boys are growing like their father. My tears became worse, unstoppable but this time they were elated with hope, enthusiasm, and a lot of love.
My Google bar shifted from ways to commit suicide to find more about the couple's love story in no time.
Sometimes it takes just a story or an episode to shake us awake & help us see we are worth so much more than we are settling for. Since then I have started to practice self-love. Sometimes. I feel it is not too bad to have cracks in your heart.
Similarly, the recent Covid-19 pandemic made me realize that it is okay to mourn, to grieve, to feel all the feels, and that you don’t have to adhere to a timeline to ‘get over it.’ I have started meeting people, who are intellectually smart and knows their job, dating several nationalities have boosted my self-confidence. I realised that all we have to do is be kind to our hearts and nurture them with hard work. People would come and go but the right one will stay no matter
- How do you look?
- How you are dressed?
- How much do you earn?
The only thing then will matter is your commitment to each other. I am waiting for the right one, are you also?
Share your story, if you are too freshly heartbroken.